The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing

People pleasing is often mistaken for kindness, but let’s be honest—it’s not the same thing.

Kindness comes from choice. People pleasing comes from fear.

It’s the fear of disappointing others. The fear of conflict. The fear of being disliked or misunderstood. So we say yes when we mean no, smile when we’re hurt, and stay quiet when we’re deeply unsettled. We contort ourselves into versions we think others will accept—hoping it will keep us connected, safe, or seen.

But here’s the truth: people pleasing isn’t a victimless habit.

If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling in self-criticism—telling yourself you should be fine, shouldn’t be struggling, or should just pull it together—you’re not alone.

In my work with clients (and in my own life), I’ve seen how easy it is to turn on ourselves when we’re hurting. Especially when things on the outside look okay—there’s food in the fridge, people who love us, a job, a home. And yet something inside still aches, feels off, or just plain hurts.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, This is where self-compassion comes in.

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel down and out like nothing is going your way? Well, if so, don’t worry! We all have our bad days. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take time to build self-love. After all, self-love is the foundation of healthy relationships with others and ourselves. Here are three easy steps to help you increase your self-love even on the most difficult days.