The Predictable Cycle of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair in Relationships
—and Why Most Couples Struggle with the Last Part

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Why can’t we just stay in a good place?”—you’re not alone. One of the most helpful truths I’ve learned, both professionally and personally, is this:

Every relationship cycles through three phases: harmony, disharmony, and repair.

This isn’t a sign that something is wrong. It’s a sign that you’re in a real, living, breathing relationship.

Let’s break that down.

The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing

People pleasing is often mistaken for kindness, but let’s be honest—it’s not the same thing.

Kindness comes from choice. People pleasing comes from fear.

It’s the fear of disappointing others. The fear of conflict. The fear of being disliked or misunderstood. So we say yes when we mean no, smile when we’re hurt, and stay quiet when we’re deeply unsettled. We contort ourselves into versions we think others will accept—hoping it will keep us connected, safe, or seen.

But here’s the truth: people pleasing isn’t a victimless habit.

If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling in self-criticism—telling yourself you should be fine, shouldn’t be struggling, or should just pull it together—you’re not alone.

In my work with clients (and in my own life), I’ve seen how easy it is to turn on ourselves when we’re hurting. Especially when things on the outside look okay—there’s food in the fridge, people who love us, a job, a home. And yet something inside still aches, feels off, or just plain hurts.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, This is where self-compassion comes in.

There are a lot of things that can help a relationship flourish—shared values, attraction, compatibility, humor, communication skills. But there are three qualities I’ve seen over and over again that are absolutely essential for any intimate relationship to work over the long haul:

👉 Accountability
👉 Vulnerability
👉 Empathy

Without these, relationships break down. They become cold, combative, or avoidant. But with them, even the most strained relationship has the potential to heal, deepen, and thrive.

Let’s take a closer look.

When people hear the word boundaries, they often think of walls—cold, rigid, or distancing. But in truth, healthy boundaries are the exact opposite. They are the invisible framework that helps relationships feel safer, more honest, and more connected. Boundaries are not about shutting people out—they’re about showing up more authentically while honoring your limits, needs, and values.

In my work as a relationship coach and Relational Life Therapy practitioner, I’ve seen again and again: learning to set and respect boundaries is one of the most transformational things you can do—for yourself and your relationships.

In the couples work I do, one of the most common sources of disconnection is the subtle (or not-so-subtle) power struggle happening beneath the surface. It often sounds like:

“He never listens to me unless I’m angry.”
“She always needs to be right.”
“If I don't give in, we’ll be fighting all night.”

At the core of these patterns is a “power over” dynamic—where one partner is trying to control, dominate, win, or protect themselves by being one-up. Sometimes it’s overt. Sometimes it’s cloaked in sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, or even care-taking. But the outcome is the same: disconnection.

Relationships often get stuck—not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know what to do when our needs clash or our wounds get activated. Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, teaches that most of us fall into patterns he calls The Five Losing Strategies—habits that feel self-protective in the moment but ultimately sabotage intimacy.

We’ve all been there—moments when something our partner says or does rubs us the wrong way. We want to speak up, but it either comes out in a way that starts a fight, or we swallow it down to “keep the peace,” only to feel more distant and resentful later.

Enter the Feedback Wheel, one of the most practical communication tools I’ve ever come across—taught by Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT). It’s a simple but powerful four-step method that helps you share how you feel without triggering defensiveness, criticism, or shutdown. In fact, it’s designed to make it easier for your partner to hear you—and to keep connection intact even in hard conversations.

When tension spikes in a relationship, it's easy to get swept up in the heat of the moment. Words fly. Voices rise. Walls go up. And suddenly, instead of being a team, you're two opponents in a ring—both trying to win, and both bound to lose.

In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), renowned therapist Terry Real teaches a simple but powerful skill to interrupt this destructive cycle: the Responsible Time Out.

Let’s break down what that is—and how to use it effectively in your own relationships.

When tension spikes in a relationship, it's easy to get swept up in the heat of the moment. Words fly. Voices rise. Walls go up. And suddenly, instead of being a team, you're two opponents in a ring—both trying to win, and both bound to lose.

In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), renowned therapist Terry Real teaches a simple but powerful skill to interrupt this destructive cycle: the Responsible Time Out.

Let’s break down what that is—and how to use it effectively in your own relationships.

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In a world that often glorifies change and improvement, acceptance stands as a counterintuitive yet essential force. It's a four-letter word that invites us to embrace our humanity, navigate life's uncertainties with grace, and cultivate meaningful connections. By integrating acceptance into our daily lives, we unlock a transformative power that leads to inner peace, genuine self-love, and a richer, more fulfilling existence.

As we navigate the complexities of the human experience, recognizing the profound impact of agency and gratitude becomes paramount. By embracing our power to shape our destinies and cultivating a grateful heart, we unlock the gates to a life rich in purpose, fulfillment, and genuine happiness. The journey towards a meaningful and joyous existence begins with the conscious choice to exercise agency and embrace gratitude as guiding principles.

Stimulating the vagus nerve is a holistic approach to promoting overall well-being. By incorporating simple practices into your daily routine, you can activate this vital nerve and enjoy the myriad health benefits it offers. From relaxation and improved digestion to enhanced mental health, nurturing your vagus nerve contributes to a balanced and resilient body and mind. As you explore these techniques, remember that consistency is key—gradually incorporating these practices into your lifestyle can lead to lasting benefits for your health and vitality.

Terry Real's teachings on fierce intimacy provide a roadmap for couples seeking to cultivate a profound and authentic connection. By embracing radical openness, practicing emotional presence, fostering accountability, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, individuals can embark on a journey toward deeper emotional intimacy. As we integrate these principles into our relationships, we open the door to a transformative experience—one where love is not only felt but fiercely lived, creating a bond that withstands the tests of time and adversity.

By understanding and aligning with your values, you gain a compass that guides you through life's choices. Whether faced with major life decisions or the smaller choices of daily living, the process of discovering your values empowers you to move forward with confidence, purpose, and a renewed sense of direction. So, take the time to reflect, identify, and prioritize your values—it might just be the key to unlocking a path forward when you find yourself stuck in the decision-making maze.

In the intricate dance of our internal systems, the nervous system emerges as a linchpin for overall well-being. The ability to regulate this complex network is paramount for maintaining physical health, supporting mental and emotional balance, and fostering resilience in the face of life's challenges. By incorporating practices that promote nervous system regulation—such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and physical activity—individuals can cultivate a foundation for enduring health and vitality. In essence, understanding and prioritizing the regulation of your nervous system is not just a self-care practice; it is a fundamental investment in your holistic well-being.

Reducing anxiety doesn't always require elaborate rituals or time-consuming practices. By incorporating these five strategies into your routine, you can take immediate steps to find calm amid chaos. Whether it's through deep breathing, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, challenging negative thoughts, or moving your body, these techniques offer powerful tools to help you navigate moments of anxiety and cultivate a sense of peace in your daily life. Remember, the key is to find what works best for you and make these practices a regular part of your self-care routine.

In the dynamic landscape of mental health and well-being, finding effective and efficient tools to alleviate anxiety is crucial. Enter Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) tapping, a powerful and rapidly growing approach that has gained popularity for its ability to provide quick relief from anxiety and stress. In this blog post, we will explore the reasons why I, as a therapist, choose EFT tapping to help clients reduce anxiety swiftly and facilitate their journey toward emotional well-being.

In the realm of psychotherapy, various approaches aim to help individuals navigate the complexities of their personal and interpersonal lives. Relational Life Therapy (RLT) stands out as a powerful modality that places a strong emphasis on the connections we form with others. Developed by renowned therapist Terry Real, RLT delves deep into the dynamics of relationships and helps clients create transformative changes in their lives. In this blog post, we will explore the principles of Relational Life Therapy and delve into the profound results that clients often experience.