Why “Power Over” Dynamics Don’t Work in Relationships—And What To Build Instead
In the couples work I do, one of the most common sources of disconnection is the subtle (or not-so-subtle) power struggle happening beneath the surface. It often sounds like:
“He never listens to me unless I’m angry.”
“She always needs to be right.”
“If I don't give in, we’ll be fighting all night.”
At the core of these patterns is a “power over” dynamic—where one partner is trying to control, dominate, win, or protect themselves by being one-up. Sometimes it’s overt. Sometimes it’s cloaked in sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, or even caretaking. But the outcome is the same: disconnection.
Why “Power Over” Doesn’t Work
“Power over” is rooted in hierarchy. It says someone has to be right, someone has to lose. Someone’s needs matter more. One of us is the expert on the other. It mimics the survival-based dynamics many of us grew up with—but it’s poison to emotional safety and intimacy.
In Relational Life Therapy, we refer to this as a “one-up” stance. It might feel protective or even effective in the moment, but over time, it erodes trust, openness, and real partnership.
You can’t create intimacy from a pedestal—or from beneath one.
The Shift to “Same-As” Power
The alternative isn’t passivity. It’s relational empowerment—what Terry Real calls “same-as” power. It’s the kind of power that says:
We’re in this together.
Your needs matter, and so do mine.
I’m not above you, and I’m not beneath you.
We both get to speak. We both get to be human.
“Same-as” power is grounded, respectful, and fierce in its clarity. It’s what allows us to be both assertive and connected—to set limits without punishment, to express hurt without blame, to love without losing ourselves.
Signs You’re in a “Power Over” Loop
You feel like you need to win the argument
You correct, critique, or talk at your partner more than you listen
You feel justified in shutting down, icing out, or “teaching them a lesson”
Your partner often feels small, defensive, or like they can’t win
How to Shift Out of It
Catch the one-up or one-down move. Ask: Am I trying to feel superior or avoiding feeling inferior?
Name what’s happening relationally. Try: “I think I’m doing the thing where I try to be right instead of connected.”
Use same-as language. Speak from your experience, not as an expert on your partner. “I feel dismissed when…”instead of “You always ignore me.”
Move toward repair. Being relational means caring about the impact of your behavior—even if your intention was different.
Real Power Is Shared
In a thriving relationship, power isn’t something you wield over someone—it’s something you share. When both partners feel seen, valued, and empowered, you don’t need to fight for control. You work with each other instead of against.
That’s what creates lasting change. Not domination. Not compliance. But two people committed to truth, repair, and mutual respect.
Want to explore what kind of power dynamics show up in your relationship?
Let’s talk about it. Book a session