A Relationship Tool That Actually Works
We’ve all been there—moments when something our partner says or does rubs us the wrong way. We want to speak up, but it either comes out in a way that starts a fight, or we swallow it down to “keep the peace,” only to feel more distant and resentful later.
Enter the Feedback Wheel, one of the most practical communication tools I’ve ever come across—taught by Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT). It’s a simple but powerful four-step method that helps you share how you feel without triggering defensiveness, criticism, or shutdown. In fact, it’s designed to make it easier for your partner to hear you—and to keep connection intact even in hard conversations.
What Is the Feedback Wheel?
The Feedback Wheel is a structured way to express your feelings about a specific behavior—not your partner’s personality—and to ask for what you need going forward. It invites clarity, ownership, and accountability, rather than blame or emotional flooding.
Here are the four parts of the Feedback Wheel:
What I saw or heard (The observable behavior)
What I made up about it (The meaning you assigned to it)
How I felt (The emotion you experienced)
What I’d like instead (Your clear, actionable request)
Let’s walk through each step.
1. What I Saw or Heard
Start with the facts. Describe the specific behavior or event without interpretation, judgment, or exaggeration.
Bad example: “You always ignore me when I talk.”
Better: “When I was telling you about my day, you looked at your phone and didn’t respond.”
Why it works: You're naming an observable action—not making a character judgment. This keeps your partner from going straight into defense mode.
2. What I Made Up About It
Here’s where you take responsibility for the story in your head. This part is crucial—it reminds both of you that we’re always interpreting each other’s actions through our own lenses.
Example: “I made up that you weren’t interested in what I had to say, or that I wasn’t important to you.”
Why it works: It signals that this is your perception, not an accusation. It invites curiosity and mutual understanding.
3. How I Felt
Now, name the feeling. Keep it to one or two words—like sad, hurt, angry, or alone. The more grounded and clear you can be, the better.
Example: “I felt dismissed and disconnected.”
Why it works: Naming emotions builds vulnerability and intimacy. You’re letting your partner into your experience rather than attacking them.
4. What I’d Like Instead
This is where you ask for something different, kindly and directly. Make it actionable and specific.
Example: “What I’d love is if, when I’m talking to you, you could put your phone down and make eye contact—even just for a minute.”
Why it works: Requests (not demands) open the door to change. You’re showing your partner a path forward, not just pointing out what went wrong.
Why the Feedback Wheel Works
It keeps the focus on your experience, not your partner’s character.
It lowers defensiveness by framing your concern as something you’re sharing, not something you’re dumping.
It gives your partner a clear path to repair—no guesswork.
It encourages growth, not blame.
Practice Tip
Don’t expect to nail this right away. It’s a skill, and like any muscle, it takes practice. Start with small things. Write it out first if you need to. And when your partner offers feedback this way—listen with your defenses down. That’s part of the deal.
In Real Life
Using the Feedback Wheel isn’t about being robotic or perfect—it’s about being real, respectful, and repair-oriented. It's a tool that reminds both people: We’re on the same team, even when it’s hard.
So the next time you find yourself stewing about something your partner did… take a breath. Then pick up the Feedback Wheel.
It might just be the most loving thing you do all week.