Five Losing Strategies That Never Work in a Fight

Let’s be honest: when we feel unheard, unappreciated, or disconnected in a relationship, we all have our go-to moves. Maybe you shut down. Maybe you dig in harder. Maybe you try to control, prove, fix, or even disappear for a while.

These patterns are incredibly human—but according to therapist and relationship expert Terry Real, they’re also deeply ineffective.

In Relational Life Therapy, he outlines what he calls The Five Losing Strategies—behaviors we use in conflict that seemlike they should work, but actually make things worse. And most of us use more than one.

Let’s walk through them, not with judgment—but with compassion and awareness. Because naming them is the first step toward doing something different.

1. Being Right

It sounds like this:

• “That’s not what happened.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “Let me explain why I’m right and you’re wrong.”

When we’re caught in the “I’m right” trap, we treat conflict like a courtroom. But even if you “win” the argument, you usually lose the connection. You end up prioritizing facts over feelings—and no one feels seen.

The truth? You can be right, or you can be close. Not both at the same time.

2. Controlling

It sounds like this:

• “Why don’t you just do it this way?”

• “You need to calm down.”

• “Here’s what you should say next time.”

Control is often fear wearing a bossy costume. We control because we’re anxious: If we can just make the other person behave a certain way, we think we’ll feel safer or more loved.

But people don’t change because we force them to—they change when they feel respected, understood, and free. Control suffocates intimacy.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression

It sounds like this:

• “I’m just being honest!”

• “I needed to get that off my chest.”

• [insert full emotional unload without filters]

Terry Real says this strategy confuses venting with connecting. It’s the belief that we have the right to say whatever we feel, however we feel it, in the name of “being real.”

But dumping raw emotion on your partner isn’t the same as vulnerability. Unfiltered expression without accountability can leave the other person overwhelmed, hurt, or defensive. It pushes them away instead of pulling them closer.

4. Retaliation

It sounds like this:

• “Oh, you’re going to act like that? Watch this.”

• [Stonewalling. Sarcasm. Cutting remarks. Withholding love.]

Retaliation is a cover for hurt. When we don’t feel safe enough to say “I’m in pain,” we say “I’ll make you feel it too.” It’s the most seductive of the losing strategies—because it feels powerful. For a moment.

But what it really does is harden both hearts. No one wins in the blame game. You both just bleed out a little.

5. Withdrawal

It sounds like this:

• “I don’t want to talk about this.”

• [Silent treatment. Avoidance. Physically leaving the room. Emotional shut-down.]

This strategy often masquerades as maturity: “I’m not going to get into it.” But when it’s driven by disconnection or fear—not grounded self-regulation—it can feel like emotional abandonment.

Withdrawal creates anxiety in the other person and deepens the divide. It signals: You don’t matter enough for me to stay present.

Sometimes space is needed. But when it turns into pattern or punishment, it becomes a barrier to closeness.

So… What Actually Works?

Each of these losing strategies is based on something understandable—wanting to feel heard, safe, respected, or in control. But they’re short-term fixes that erode trust and intimacy over time.

What works better? Learning how to:

• Stay connected to your partner and yourself during conflict

• Speak from your heart, not just your head

• Set loving boundaries without controlling

• Repair when you mess up (because we all do)

• Regulate your nervous system so you can respond instead of react

Terry Real teaches that relational empowerment is the ability to cherish both yourself and the other person at the same time. That’s not easy. But it’s how real healing happens.

Final Thought

If you recognize yourself in any of these losing strategies, welcome to the club. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s awareness, repair, and growth.

Next time you find yourself reaching for one of these old tools, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself: What do I really want here? Connection or control? Intimacy or the upper hand?

You might find that the most powerful move isn’t to double down, but to soften, stay, and try a new way.