Are You a Bad Listener? (Or Just Using the Wrong Style at the Wrong Time?)
At The Deep Center, we believe that deep connection starts with deep listening. But even the best of us get tripped up—not because we’re bad listeners, but because we’re using the wrong listening style at the wrong moment.
There are three primary listening styles we teach and work with in relationship work:
Empathetic Listening
Solution-Based Listening
“Me Too” Listening
Each one has its place. Each one is valuable. But when you use them without intention or without agreement, they can cause more harm than help.
Let’s break them down.
1. Empathetic Listening: Holding Space
This is the gold standard when someone needs to feel seen, soothed, or safe. Empathetic listening is about presence, not performance. It sounds like:
“That sounds really hard.”
“Tell me more.”
“I’m here with you.”
You're not offering advice. You're not jumping in with your own experience. You're simply bearing witness. You let their emotions exist without fixing or filtering them.
When to use it:
When someone is emotionally charged, vulnerable, or in pain. When they say “I just need to vent.” When they’re crying. When they’re raw. When the nervous system needs co-regulation, not correction.
2. Solution-Based Listening: The Fixer Hat
Sometimes, we do want help solving a problem. This style is all about brainstorming, strategizing, and moving toward a goal. It sounds like:
“Want me to help you think through this?”
“Let’s find a way to make this easier.”
“Can I offer a few suggestions?”
It’s forward-focused and productive—but only when it’s asked for.
When to use it:
When someone explicitly says, “What should I do?” or “I need advice.” When there’s a clear problem to solve. Or when you’ve been contracted ahead of time to be in solution mode.
3. “Me Too” Listening: The Connector
This style can build closeness—or totally derail the moment. You hear someone share something painful or joyful, and you respond with your own story. It sounds like:
“That happened to me too…”
“When I went through something similar…”
“Oh wow, I totally get it—here’s what I did.”
Done right, it can create resonance and shared understanding. Done wrong, it can come off as hijacking or minimizing.
When to use it:
When the person wants connection over containment. When they’re saying, “I feel so alone in this,” and your story can offer kinship. Still, always ask yourself: Is this for them or for me?
Here’s the Key: Contract Before You Connect
The most powerful shift you can make in your relationships is this: ask how someone wants you to listen before you respond.
Try:
“Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for ideas?”
“Want empathy, solutions, or a ‘me too’ moment?”
“How can I be here for you right now?”
It might feel awkward at first. But this one move can turn you from a “bad listener” into an extraordinary one.
Final Thought
Most of us aren’t bad listeners—we’re just unpracticed at using the right style at the right time. Listening well isn’t just about being kind. It’s a skill. One that takes awareness, practice, and a little bit of humility.
The good news? You’re already doing the work. And if you’re reading this, you’re listening. That’s a beautiful place to begin.
