How to Take a Responsible Time Out
How to Take a Responsible Time Out (The Terry Real Way)
When tension spikes in a relationship, it's easy to get swept up in the heat of the moment. Words fly. Voices rise. Walls go up. And suddenly, instead of being a team, you're two opponents in a ring—both trying to win, and both bound to lose.
In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), renowned therapist Terry Real teaches a simple but powerful skill to interrupt this destructive cycle: the Responsible Time Out.
Let’s break down what that is—and how to use it effectively in your own relationships.
What Is a Responsible Time Out?
Unlike the silent treatment or storming out in anger, a Responsible Time Out is a deliberate, accountable pause in the interaction, designed to protect the relationship, not punish your partner.
Its goal? To prevent further damage when one or both people are dysregulated (aka too upset to stay relational).
Terry Real puts it bluntly: “If your wise adult self is offline, stop talking.”
Why It's So Important
When we’re triggered, we often move into fight, flight, or freeze. We lose access to the more grounded, thoughtful parts of ourselves and start reacting from old patterns—blaming, defending, avoiding, or controlling.
This is when harm happens. And once those words are said or those doors are slammed, you can’t unsay or undo them.
Taking a Responsible Time Out is a form of relational self-control. You’re stepping away not to avoid the issue, but to regain your inner balance—so you can come back and repair from a healthier place.
How to Take a Responsible Time Out
Here’s Terry Real’s structure for doing this well:
1. Announce It Clearly and Kindly
Say something like:
“I’m starting to lose it, and I don’t want to fight. I’m going to take a Time Out so I can calm down and come back in a better place.”
“I care about you too much to keep going like this. I need a short break to reset myself.”
This shows that your intent is to protect the connection, not escape the conversation.
2. Take Responsibility
Don’t blame your partner for your upset. You’re not saying “You’re impossible, I’m out of here.” You’re saying, “I’m getting dysregulated, and I need to step away to get centered.”
It’s about self-awareness—not blame.
3. Physically Remove Yourself (If Needed)
Go for a walk. Step into another room. Splash water on your face. Breathe. Do something that helps you come back to yourself.
Your only job in this Time Out is to regulate your nervous system. That’s it.
4. Commit to Coming Back
Don’t just disappear. Terry Real emphasizes that a Responsible Time Out must include a promise to return. The gold standard to regulate your nervous system is 20 minutes.
You can say:
“Let’s check back in 20 minutes.”
“I’ll come find you when I’m calm—no more than an hour.”
This reassures your partner that you’re not abandoning the conversation—just postponing it until it can be more productive and loving.
5. Use the Time Wisely
This isn’t about brooding or silently building your case. It’s about getting curious about yourself.
Ask:
What am I really feeling right now?
What just got triggered in me?
What do I need to calm down?
What’s the loving thing to say when I return?
Ground yourself before re-engaging.
When You Come Back
Re-enter gently. You might say:
“Thanks for giving me that space. I feel more grounded now, and I want to try again.”
“I’ve thought more about what I was feeling. I’d like to talk about it calmly if you’re up for it.”
The goal is not to rehash the fight, but to repair the rupture and reconnect.
Final Thoughts
Taking a Responsible Time Out is a radical act of maturity in a culture that often rewards escalation and reactivity. It says: “My relationship matters more than my ego in this moment.”
Terry Real reminds us: You can be right, or you can be connected. Choose wisely.
So the next time the heat rises, pause. Step out. Breathe. Then come back with your heart open and your wise self back online.
Your relationship will thank you.