Practicing Self-Compassion When It’s Hard to Be Kind to Yourself

If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling in self-criticism—telling yourself you should be fine, shouldn’t be struggling, or should just pull it together—you’re not alone.

In my work with clients (and in my own life), I’ve seen how easy it is to turn on ourselves when we’re hurting. Especially when things on the outside look okay—there’s food in the fridge, people who love us, a job, a home. And yet something inside still aches, feels off, or just plain hurts.

This is where self-compassion comes in.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in the field of self-compassion, teaches that being kind to ourselves in moments of struggle isn’t weakness—it’s strength. It’s a powerful tool for emotional resilience, healing, and well-being. And it’s something we can practice, even if it doesn’t come naturally at first.

Self-compassion isn’t about denying our pain or pretending everything is fine. It’s about acknowledging the struggle, remembering we’re not alone, and offering ourselves the kind of support we’d give to someone we love.

Here’s my go-to 3-step process—grounded in Neff’s research—for practicing self-compassion when you catch yourself being harsh or critical.

✨ Step 1: Tell Yourself the Truth

No sugar-coating. No invalidating. Just honesty.

Yes, maybe you have food in the fridge. Maybe you’ve been through harder things. Maybe on paper things lookmanageable. But that doesn’t mean what you’re going through right now isn’t hard.

Say it plainly to yourself:

“This is hard. It sucks. I’m overwhelmed. I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t like this.”

Telling the truth doesn’t make you weak. It makes you real—and opens the door to healing.

🤝 Step 2: Remember—Humaning Is Hard

Whatever you’re feeling, you’re not the only one. Struggling doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re human.

“Of course this is hard. Being a person is hard sometimes.”

This is what Dr. Neff calls common humanity. It’s the opposite of isolation. It reminds us we’re not broken—we’re just doing life, and life is messy.

The pain doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re alive, and you care, and you’re in it.

💗 Step 3: Compassion Time

This is where the shift happens. Bring in some physical comfort—place your hand on your chest, your forearms, or your cheek. Something grounding. Something gentle.

Now use your name and speak to yourself the way you’d speak to a dear friend or child you love:

“Kendall, I’m so sorry this is happening right now. I know it hurts.
I’m sorry I haven’t always been here for you, but I’m here now.”

If it feels true, you can add:

“It’s going to be okay… even if I don’t know how just yet.”

The goal here isn’t to fix anything. It’s to hold yourself in warm regard, to stop abandoning yourself when things get rough.

That voice of compassion is one you can grow stronger over time. It may start as a whisper, but eventually, it can become a lifeline.

In Closing

Self-compassion doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook or wallowing. It means choosing presence over pressure. It means remembering that you matter—not just when you’re achieving or coping well—but even in your messiest, most tender moments.

So the next time you catch yourself being harsh or unforgiving, pause.
Tell the truth.
Remember you’re not alone.
And offer yourself some warmth.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep showing up.

With heart,
Kendall