The Predictable Cycle of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair in Relationships
—and Why Most Couples Struggle with the Last Part

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Why can’t we just stay in a good place?”—you’re not alone. One of the most helpful truths I’ve learned, both professionally and personally, is this:

Every relationship cycles through three phases: harmony, disharmony, and repair.

This isn’t a sign that something is wrong. It’s a sign that you’re in a real, living, breathing relationship.

Let’s break that down.

Relationships often get stuck—not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know what to do when our needs clash or our wounds get activated. Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, teaches that most of us fall into patterns he calls The Five Losing Strategies—habits that feel self-protective in the moment but ultimately sabotage intimacy.

We’ve all been there—moments when something our partner says or does rubs us the wrong way. We want to speak up, but it either comes out in a way that starts a fight, or we swallow it down to “keep the peace,” only to feel more distant and resentful later.

Enter the Feedback Wheel, one of the most practical communication tools I’ve ever come across—taught by Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT). It’s a simple but powerful four-step method that helps you share how you feel without triggering defensiveness, criticism, or shutdown. In fact, it’s designed to make it easier for your partner to hear you—and to keep connection intact even in hard conversations.

Fairy tales may have led us to believe in the elusive "happily ever after," but real-life relationships often unfold in a more complex narrative. Normal marital hatred, the kind that arises when the honeymoon phase wanes, might seem like a cause for concern, but in reality, it's a natural part of the intricate dance that is marriage. In this post, we'll explore why we shouldn't be scared of these moments of discord and how they can actually contribute to the growth and resilience of a relationship.