Understanding Polyvagal Theory — And Why It Changes Everything in Relationship Work

If you’ve ever thought:

• “I know better. Why did I react like that?”

• “Why do we keep having the same fight?”

• “Why do I shut down when things get tense?”

You are not broken.
You are regulated — or dysregulated.

And that’s where Polyvagal Theory comes in.

Developed by Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory explains how your nervous system constantly scans for safety or danger — and how that scan determines whether you connect, attack, avoid, or collapse.

I use this framework every single week in my work as a Certified Relational Life Therapy practitioner and Safe and Sound Protocol provider because it helps my clients understand something profound:

Your reactions are not moral failures. They are nervous system states.

And nervous system states can be shifted.

What Is Polyvagal Theory — In Real Life Terms?

At its simplest, Polyvagal Theory describes three primary states:

1. Ventral Vagal (Safe & Connected)

• Calm

• Curious

• Open

• Capable of empathy and repair

This is where healthy relationship skills are possible.

2. Sympathetic (Fight or Flight)

• Irritable

• Defensive

• Anxious

• Critical or controlling

This is where most couples fights live.

3. Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown)

• Numb

• Withdrawn

• Hopeless

• Avoidant

This is where “I don’t care” or “I’m done” energy comes from.

When clients understand this ladder, shame drops.

Instead of:

“What’s wrong with me?”

We move to:

“Ah. My nervous system flipped.”

That shift alone is transformative.

How I Use Polyvagal Theory in Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is direct, practical, and focused on accountability and skills.

But here’s the truth:
You cannot access relationship skills when your nervous system is hijacked.

So I integrate Polyvagal Theory into RLT in three key ways:

1. We Map the Fight to the Nervous System

Instead of analyzing content (“Who said what?”), we identify state.

• Were you in fight?

• Were you in collapse?

• Were you pursuing or withdrawing?

This reduces blame and increases clarity.

2. We Build Regulation Before We Build Skill

RLT gives you tools:

• How to speak from the Wise Adult

• How to set boundaries

• How to repair

Polyvagal work ensures your nervous system can stay online long enough to use them.

Otherwise, insight without regulation just leads to repeated explosions.

3. We Normalize the Cycle

High-functioning people are often shocked by how dysregulated they become in intimate relationships.

Polyvagal theory helps us understand:
Closeness activates attachment.
Attachment activates threat.
Threat activates survival wiring.

You’re not crazy.
You’re attached.

How I Use Polyvagal Theory in SSP (Safe & Sound Protocol)

Safe and Sound Protocol is an auditory intervention based directly on Polyvagal Theory.

It uses specially filtered music to stimulate the vagus nerve through the middle ear — gently helping the nervous system shift toward safety.

In my practice, SSP helps clients:

• Reduce baseline anxiety

• Decrease reactivity

• Improve emotional flexibility

• Feel safer in connection

• Access more ventral (regulated) states

For many high-performing adults, the mind understands the tools — but the body doesn’t feel safe enough to implement them.

SSP supports the body.

And when the body feels safer, everything changes:

• Conflict softens.

• Communication improves.

• Boundaries become possible.

• Shame decreases.

Why This Matters in Relationship Work

You cannot shame a nervous system into safety.

You cannot argue someone into regulation.

And you cannot skill-build from collapse.

Polyvagal Theory matters because it answers the question:
“Why do I lose access to myself under stress?”

It also offers hope:
States are not traits.
They move.
They can be influenced.
They can be trained.

When we combine:

• Direct relational accountability (RLT)

• Nervous system regulation (Polyvagal + SSP)

• Parts awareness (IFS-informed work)

• Practical repetition

We create change that sticks.

What Clients Notice

After integrating Polyvagal work into RLT and SSP, clients often say:

• “I didn’t spiral like I usually do.”

• “I stayed present during conflict.”

• “I feel more solid.”

• “I can pause instead of react.”

• “I don’t feel as flooded.”

That’s not personality change.

That’s nervous system capacity.

The Bigger Picture

We live in a culture that rewards productivity and punishes vulnerability.

High-functioning adults are often brilliant at insight — and terrible at regulation.

Polyvagal Theory bridges that gap.

It gives us language.
It removes shame.
It restores agency.

And when you understand your nervous system, you stop making character judgments about survival responses.

You start building capacity instead.

If you’re someone who:

• Intellectually understands your patterns but still gets hijacked

• Shuts down or escalates under stress

• Feels exhausted by repeating the same relational loop

• Wants change that actually sticks

Nervous system work is not optional.

It’s foundational.

And when we pair it with relational skill-building, the work becomes not just insightful — but transformative.

If you are curious if working with me can support you, book a free connection call and find out.